is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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