Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
