just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
