Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
