Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
