i wish my penis had a tongue
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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