I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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