____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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