just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
