I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
