I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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