he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
