Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
