i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
