Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
