I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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