i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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