what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
