Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize