guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
