Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
