Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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