I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
