what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
