I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
