Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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