I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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