Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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