I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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