Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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