so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
