I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
