Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
