How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
