I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
