Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
