I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
