everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
