just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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