i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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