Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
