woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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