Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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