guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
