Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
