Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
