So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
