I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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