My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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