So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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