I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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