I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize