Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
