Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
