I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
