I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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