There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
