she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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