Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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