I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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